Surviving the Marriage Fog
Author: Dr. Bob Whiddon Jr.
The “marriage fog” is a state of marriage in which one or both partners find themselves thinking, “What’s happening?” or “How did our marriage get here?” If you have ever asked yourself one of these questions, you may just be in a marriage fog.
Author: Dr. Bob Whiddon Jr.
There are twelve chapters in three parts.
Part I All about the marriage fog, where it comes from, how it forms, what you can see from the inside of the fog.
Part II Defogging your marriage with knowledge and understanding of marriage basics, what a healthy marriage looks like, intimacy in marriage, the natural stages of marriage, dissecting a problem, and understanding temperament differences.
Part III Tools to repair what the fog broke, including conflict resolution, communication, and faithfulness plans.
The “marriage fog” is a state of marriage in which one or both partners find themselves thinking, “What’s happening? How did our marriage get here?” If you have ever asked yourself one of these questions, you may just be in a marriage fog.
- Are you in the third or fourth year of marriage? There is a natural downswing in most marriages in the third or fourth year. It has to do with the natural chemicals that are released into your brain when you fall in love, but they last from 18 months to three years. If you are there, you may have just run out of the natural “love chemicals.” Not to worry. Knowledge is the key. The more you know about marriage, the more you’ll see clearly to make your marriage work.
- Has your mate changed dramatically since you got married? Well, people don’t change much after they marry. They are the same person you met, dated, and married. But when you fell in love, you made a decision to overlook some the things. There were some things about him/her that you chose to not see, or chose to ignore, or believed you could change after you married. Is love blind? Yes, it blinded you a bit.
- Has your mate come up with new ways to irritate you? How did he/she get so irritating? It wasn’t like this when we first got married. Here’s what happened. When you first got married you made a decision, because you were so much in love, to ignore those petty or uncomfortable things that your mate did. But as the initial feelings of love faded from your marriage, you made a decision to no longer ignore those things. In fact, you probably started dwelling on those irritating habits. The more you dwell on them the worse they will be. You can, if you want to, choose to ignore them again. It’s possible. It’ll work.
- When you argue, is it like World War III? Every conflict you have ever had in your marriage, that has not been resolved in a healthy way, is still with you. If you have, let’s say, a thousand unresolved problems, then the next time you argue, you may actually be arguing over all 1001 problems. Wow, arguing over 1000s of conflicts all at once. No wonder it feels like a world war.
- Have you been married for 10 to 15 years or so and not sure if your marriage will last after the kids grow up and leave home? This is also common in marriage. We stop having good, healthy communication early in our marriages and begin to build walls to keep from being hurt. With no communication there is no intimacy (growing closer together) built. If the couple is not growing closer together, they are drifting apart. The fast growing divorce group in America is those marriages around 20 years. But even this can be reversed. It may take only six months, but you can have a great marriage once again.
- Have you been arguing over something that happened at a party and say to yourself, “Was he/she even at the same party that I was at?” Men and women view life through different lenses. Men look at life, for the most part, as a series of factual events in certain orders. Women, for the most part, look at life, as a series of life changing episodes. You were both at the same event, but you processed what happened in different ways. Your way is not better than your mates, it’s just different. This can be worked through. You just have to speak the same language.
- If you are a man, have you ever said, “Why doesn’t she want to have sex with me any more?” Men and women approach intimacy and sex very differently. When you first married you accidentally got it all right. That’s why sex was so frequent and fun. But now, you may have forgotten what you did that was so right. All you have to do is re-learn what your wife needs. It’s gonna be great.
- If you are a woman, have you ever said, “Why does he want to have sex all the time?” Refer to #7 above.